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March 13, 2007
Young and Silly
With certain things, you always hope that you will act or think differently than everyone else. Not necessarily because you don't like how everyone else acts or thinks, but because you want to be the exception for some reason. Go against the flow or something like that.
Sometimes it's a bummer realizing that you aren't the exception, and I'm not quite sure why. There is this guy that I work with (yes, this is going there) and when I first met him I thought, what a nice young man. Now I don't mean "nice young man" the way your neighbor or aunt says it, but "nice" as in kind, moral, and sweet and "man" as in close to my age but not totally immature. Ok, so I thought, what a nice young man. And I continued to think that. And with time I wasn't treating this guy like an acquaintance, but as a friend. And given the circumstances of each of our meetings, we began to act more friend-like toward each other, laughing at things, making fun of things, sharing things, talking about things.
Now, everyone subconsciously considers a person's characteristics to determine whether or not they would make an eligible "interest" (I know it sounds so cheesy, but bear with me). So, as with most single heterosexual females, at several points (based on his responses to outside influences) I did wonder, is he gay? Anyway, I hadn't quite made up my mind on the orientation point, but in the meantime I was rather enjoying our time together, feeling like, maybe this is what it is like to just be friends with a guy...(I can't deny that I have led a rather male-less social existence).
So all this time I'm thinking that I'm not thinking too much about him like I normally think about guys. I don't feel like I'm "trying" to make him like me, which is totally refreshing. And I'm just not thinking about him in any way really, just being friendly to him and with him. (With maybe one exception: as I was carrying his work shirt into the house to be cleaned, I may have smelled his cologne on it and it may have smelled really really good and this may have made me want him right then...)
And then comes the realization that yes, I do think like so many others: he finally said something about his "girlfriend." And I was mad at myself for even feeling a little bummed to hear him say it. Bummed and frustrated because I thought I shouldn't really care, but I do.
After he said it, I was sort of quiet for a bit, thinking about whether it would change the way I thought about him, or acted with him. But then I just went on, being normal, and he did something that I laughed at and I made fun of him and he smiled.
Still now I'm thinking that I will always sort of be aware of it, but in the end I will try to be as "me" as possible because he's a nice young man and I just like him and I'm glad we're friends.
Posted by libbystokes at March 13, 2007 07:41 PM